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This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it This email address is being protected from spam bots, you need Javascript enabled to view it Email this article to a friend Rules for the Game of Life How to win the most important game we'll ever play
In my early teenage years I was regularly invited to play casual games of basketball and rugby on the weekends. The sad thing was I never went. Not because I didn’t want to go, but because I was too afraid of dropping the ball, missing a shot, or causing my team to lose.
Looking back, I realize that I missed out on a lot of fun and some great memories—and it pains me to think that I can’t go back and do things differently. Fortunately, I did learn an extremely valuable lesson from this experience. Not only did I become aware of how fear was directing my life, I also recognized how my brain worked and how to overcome fear where it was holding me back.
Most people will agree that fear influences our decision-making processes. Just think about it. How we respond to the following questions determines what we’re willing to do and not do.
- What if I don’t succeed?
- What if I get hurt?
- What if people laugh at me?
Fear can often stop us from doing what we desire most. Don’t believe it? Ask yourself the following age-old question and take a moment to think hard about your answer:
What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
If you’re anything like me, you will find that this question certainly opens some new possibilities and offers some food for thought. For most of us, if we knew success was guaranteed, we would probably attempt to do much more than we’re doing right now. Perhaps you’d tryout for that sports team, apply for the new job position, take control of the ball in the last few seconds of the game, ask that special someone out on a date, start a business, or maybe even try skydiving—who knows!
So how does this relate to my initial story? After passing on several invitations to play social games of basketball and rugby, my frustration sent me into a spiral of thought. I began asking myself, “What does it really mean to “fail?” “What does it mean to succeed?” and “How do I know if I’ve succeeded or not?” Well, these questions sure opened up a big can of worms.
I came to the conclusion that I must have a set of criteria that lets me know whether or not I have hit the mark or fallen short. In other words, I had my own interpretation of what “failure” and “success” meant to me—and that each individual must also have their own criterion for success and failure. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. “Therefore,” I remember thinking, “it comes down to our own evaluations about what happens in life that matters most.”
Somebody once told me, “There is no such thing as a meaningful event; only the interpretation of it.” This means that each one of us has a unique set of life-rules (similar to a rulebook) we use to compare to the results we experience in life—and these “rules” guide our decisions and tell us if we’re on track or off track and whether we should feel happy, disappointed, proud, or embarrassed.
So what exactly does a rule look like? Good question.
Simply put, rules are definitions of the end results we experience in life. For example, how we define success, failure, happiness, freedom, security, etc. allows us to know what feeling we should be experiencing in response to what happens in our lives. It can sound complicated, but its really quite simple. Let me explain.
I finally realized that the reason I was avoiding these social sporting events was because my personal “rules” were so difficult to meet I felt that failure was inevitable. And the scary thing was, I wasn’t even aware of my rules! However, after some thought, I discovered I was living by the following rules:
- If I am to be successful, then I must score at least 25% of the team’s points.
- If my teammates are not extremely impressed with my performance, then I have failed.
- If I make a mistake, then I will lose respect from my peer group.
No wonder I didn’t want to participate! My rules were absurd. I made it so difficult for myself to feel like a success, that I didn’t even want to try. Here’s how it works: The harder we make it for ourselves to experience success, the less motivated we become to step out of our comfort zone and challenge ourselves to grow.
Life moves fast and most of us don’t take the time to stop, think, and examine this rulebook we’ve created for ourselves. When I rewrote my rules (in all areas of my life) I instantly noticed a difference in my behavior and my attitude. I felt more confident and optimistic. Some of my new rules became:
- If I give my best effort, then I am successful.
- If I don’t try, then I have failed.
- If I learn something new, then I have succeeded.
- If I am having fun, then I can access more of my abilities.
- If I take action consistently, then I increase my chances of success.
What was the main difference between these rules and my previous ones? Simple: my new rules encouraged me to take action—and that’s all I really needed. I didn’t require more ability per se; I needed more confidence to get going.
With this new perspective, I was far more willing to attempt new opportunities and persevere when I didn’t get the results I wanted. As a result, I’ve been able to experience more, learn more, grow more, and of course, succeed more.
Over the past few years I’ve found that one of the main reasons people remain unhappy, quit frequently, or lose their motivation is because they have rules that don’t serve them—rules that are so hard to live by that they’d rather not try… because after all, who wants to fail? When we make this game of life too hard to play, it’s no surprise why we find ourselves sitting on the sidelines feeling tired, apathetic, and miserable.
So now I ask you, “Are your rules holding you back or do they urge you to succeed?” As you answer this question, look for personal beliefs that are IF… THEN based. For example, “IF I ____, THEN I am successful.” These rules are directing our lives whether we are aware of them or not, so I encourage you to take the time to identify what they are, decide whether they’re helping or hindering you, and then adjust the ones that are holding you back.
The greatest game we will ever play is the game of life—and you’re the star player AND the referee. You call the shots. Make it matter, make it count, make it happen!
Much success to you,
- Kent Healy Next Steps:
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